


If Only I Could Lie

by myhomeistheshire



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, Decisions, F/M, Family Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-13
Updated: 2014-02-27
Packaged: 2018-01-12 04:47:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1182099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myhomeistheshire/pseuds/myhomeistheshire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Slade brings Felicity's mother into the crossfire, Felicity must make a decision about her future with Team Arrow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

This night, the one that would tear apart the world as she knew it, started like any other.

 

Felicity was in the foundry, typing away as she tried to access the floorplan of the building Oliver was in. They’d found another mafia druglord who might know something about the man in the mask. It seemed like any easy enough in-and-out mission, but with the possibility of other gangs showing up Diggle had decided it would be best if he joined Oliver out in the field. That left Felicity alone with a massive headache and the most infuriating firewall she’d seen in a while.

“We’re at the building.” Oliver’s voice crackled over the comms. Crackled? There shouldn’t be  _any_  static, Felicity had all but perfected the wireless signal. She hit a few more keys, effectively destroying the firewall, and told herself she’d check out the cause of the disturbance in a minute.

“Okay, so I hacked into the cameras and it looks like most of the guards are out, like you guessed.”

“I don’t guess, Felicity.” Came Oliver’s amused response. “We set off an explosion in the warehouse where they store the cocaine.”

“Whatever.” Felicity responded dismissively. “So there’s one guard on the ground floor, he keeps moving around from room to room so just try to keep an eye out for him. The next one is just outside the front door, and then after that all you have to do is pass the two standing outside our Suspect 0’s bedroom.”

“Thanks.” Oliver said, and there it was again - that crackling noise. Now that Oliver had the information he needed, Felicity went to work trying to find the source of the interruption. It wasn’t distance - they were still in the glades, not even a mile away, and she’d tested the comms much further than that. She studied all of the wireless inputs, and - there. There was a small signal, barely touching onto their comms, but enough to cause static. Probably just a messed up baby moniter or something, but worth checking into. She typed furiously on the keyboard, checking all frequencies and routes of access, but there was nothing. Her heart started to beat a little faster in her chest. The only way that was possible was if someone was trying to hide their tracks - which meant someone was listening.

“Um, Oliver?” She asked nervously.

“I’m - a little - busy - right now - Felicity.” Came his response, through sounds of a fight.

“Right.” She muttered. Fine then, she’d just find out who it was before they had a major security breach. Her fingers flew across the keyboard, and then - there it was. The IP was from downtown Starling, in a place she recognized as her old neighborhood. Maybe, if Oliver and Dig didn’t need her help, she could go down there and check it out herself....

 

That’s when she realized that all sounds of a fight had ceased.

 

“Felicity Smoak.”

 

Her heart froze up in her chest at the unfamiliar voice. Okay, think. She knew where the call was coming from, that was a start. Now to look up whose house it was originating from.

 

“Let me tell you about myself.” The voice continued, as she pulled up google maps and typed in the address

 

“I’m someone who can give you everything you’ve ever wanted in life...”

 

Her heart did stop, now. For just a moment. Just as she recognized the address she’d typed into the search bar.

 

“...Or I can take it away.”

 

It was her mother’s house.

 

“Now, I’ve heard much about your talents, so I’m certain you’ve traced this call already. Want to speak to mommy dearest?”

“Put me down you - you  _son of a bitch_!”

 

Felicity’s hand rose to her mouth.

 

“Leave her alone.”

 

A subtle chuckle greeted that response. “Leave her alone? My dear, we’re just beginning. And if you aren’t here in, oh, say ten minutes? Your little dumpster daddy will be the only parent left.”

 

Felicity couldn’t move, couldn’t think.

 

“Felicity? Felicity,  _damn_  it, what’s wrong?” Oliver’s voice came back on the comms, but Felicity couldn’t respond. Instead she pulled the comm from her ear, leaving it sitting beside her tablet as she rushed from the Foundry.

  
  
  


The drive to her old house was the longest she’d ever experienced, yet when she pulled up at the old flat she couldn’t remember anything about the drive. She pulled the keys from the ignition, leaving them on the seat as she ran up to the house. She opened the door, which was left unlocked, and stepped inside.

 

There were two men standing inside - one had a mask, and was holding a gun. The other had an eyepatch, a vicious smile on his face....and was holding a knife to her mother’s throat.

“You shouldn’t have come here, Felicity.” Her mother whispered, desperation thick in her eyes. Felicity swallowed, then addressed the man with the eyepatch.

 

“You wanted me here? I’m here. Now let her go.”

 

The man with the eyepatch - obviously the man in charge - smirked. “I wanted you here, yes...but not because I needed anything from you. No, I just wanted you to watch as I did this.”

 

Felicity jerked forward as she realized what he was doing, a scream erupting out of her throat, but she was too slow and the knife was moving and her mother was falling and there was  _so much blood -_

 

And then she was on the ground, pressing her hands to her mother’s throat like she’d learned in all of those first aid training classes but the bleeding wasn’t stopping it was just going around her fingers, soaking them in blood, until, quite suddenly, it stopped.

“No, no,  _nonono Mom._ ” And the blood was warm on her hands and her mother was so still, too still.

 

“I want you to remember this day.” A voice spoke softly in her ear, but she couldn’t even turn to look at the man who’d done this, who took away the only family she’d ever known. “And I want you to know that if it weren’t for Oliver Queen, your mother would still be alive.”

  
  


She didn’t know how much time passed after that, until she was shivering and the blood was crusted onto her skin. And this had to be a dream - that was it, this was all a dream. And that would explain why she was so  _tired_ , and why even though her heart was a throbbing ball of pain in her chest not a single solitary tear had escaped.

 

 _I just need to wake up._  She thought. And then, slowly, shivering, she fell asleep on the wood panelling next to the body that used to be her mother.

  
  
  
  


“Felicity!” Oliver threw open the door to the foundry, hopping over the side of the stairs instead of taking the time to run down them. But the blonde IT girl was nowhere to be found. Oliver’s eyes caught on something, though - her comm, sitting on top of her tablet. Icy dread started to fasten its holds around his heart. She would never leave both of those items here.

“She left her comm here.” He said to Diggle, who had come up behind him. “And her tablet.”

“Look on it.” Dig said, motioning to the tablet. “It might give us an idea of where she is.”

 _I should’ve thought of that,_  Oliver thought, but he was too numb to even hate himself for missing something so obvious. “There’s an address. It’s only ten minutes from here - faster, if I take my bike.” He looked over at Dig, who nodded at him.

“You take the bike. I’ll meet you over there.”

Without another word Oliver was out the door and on his bike, veering through traffic. He hadn’t even thought to bring his cape - just the bow, strapped to his back. He desperately hoped he wouldn’t have to use it, but if Felicity was in danger - he stopped that train of thought. Nothing could happen to Felicity. He wouldn’t let it.

 

When he pulled up to the house, he didn’t bother sneaking around to one of the windows, just kicked down the door, bow already aimed at anyone that should stand in his way. But there was no one. And then he stepped around the corner, and his heart stopped.

 

It was Felicity. And she was covered in blood.

 

He dropped to his knees beside her, searching for wounds, but there was nothing. It was only then that he noticed the woman beside her. Her throat was slit - that was where all the blood must’ve come from. He checked Felicity’s pulse, hoping,  _praying_  - and there it was. But it was fast, and her skin was freezing.  _Shock_ , he thought, already grabbing a blanket and wrapping it around Felicity’s trembling frame. Her eyes fluttered open, but she almost didn’t seem aware of her surroundings.

“Oliver?” She murmered. “Am I going to wake up now?”

“Just stay awake, okay Felicity?” Oliver stood up, carrying her with him. “We need to get you to a hospital, now.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m going to fall asleep  _here_ , so I can wake up in the real world. It’s all gonna be okay...” Her eyes were closing. Oliver shook her, even though it went against every instinct.

“Felicity, listen to me. Stay. Awake.”

“Oliver, bring her to the car.” Diggle’s voice came from the doorway, and Oliver’s head shot up. Diggle was already moving, so Oliver followed, still talking to Felicity - saying anything he could think of. He never thought he would be the one to babble in their relationship, but now he would’ve given anything for Felicity to utter even a single word.

 

The drive to the hospital was miserable. Once they walked through the doors, paramedics swarmed around them, seeing Felicity soaked in blood.

“She’s not hurt.” Oliver said loudly, over all the voices. “She’s in shock.”

“How long ago did she lose consciousness?” One of the paramedics asked. Oliver tried to think.

“Five minutes, I think.”

“Okay, we need to get her some blankets, hot water and a stretcher. NOW!” And then Felicity was ripped out of his arms and he was left standing there, with nothing to do and not quite knowing how to breathe without her.

  
  
  


When Felicity woke up, it was to the dawning realization that it hadn’t been a dream, or a nightmare. And the grief hit her so hard she mumbled an excuse about using the bathroom, and then crumpled to the ground in the stall, tears finally pouring down her cheeks. Hands shaking. Because the only person who she’d loved and trusted and  _belonged_  was gone.

 

When she exited the stall, she’d washed the tears from her face. She clenched her hands into balls, nails digging into her palm so hard it hurt. She didn’t care.

 

The rest of the day was a blur. She vaguely recalled being discharged, and seeing Oliver out in the waiting room. Having to tell him what happened. Catching a cab because she couldn’t bear to be around anyone right now, to make small talk, to pretend she wasn’t breaking into pieces. And then crawling into her bed and smashing the picture of her and her mother, her hands cut and bleeding as she cried herself to sleep.

 

It was two weeks before she stepped foot in the foundry again.

  
  


“Oliver?” When had her voice become so weak, she wondered, like a gust of wind would snuff it out? Oliver stood up from the chair he was sitting in so immediately, her heart hurt. She had to do this. He’d understand.

“Felicity.” The relief, the welcoming in his voice was almost too much for her to bear. “I thought you weren’t -”

“I’m not.” She pinched her eyes shut for just a second, cutting him off, bracing herself for what she was going to say. “I’m - I’m leaving, Oliver. I’ve handed in my resignation at QC, I got a job offer in San Diego.”

 

“San Diego.” Oliver’s voice was dull, emotionless.

“Yeah.” She bit her lip. “Oliver, I can’t do this. Every time I walk into this place, I think of things I could’ve done differently, and when I look at you -

“You see how I could’ve saved her.”

Felicity desperately wanted to correct him, to assure him that it wasn’t his fault, that of course she didn’t hear  _I want you to know that if it weren’t for Oliver Queen, your mother would still be alive_  every time she saw him.

 

But she could never lie to him.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

And then the door was swinging shut behind her, leaving her with Oliver’s heartbroken expression and the pain that was shattering her into pieces.

 

She didn’t look back.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Felicity chewed on her thumbnail as she sat in the airport. It was an old habit she’d never been able to get over, even though it drove her nuts. She could do this - _she could do this_. She probably wouldn’t even have to see him. She was just in town for a business meeting, and then she’d be on the next flight out to San Diego. Her _home_.

 

It sometimes took a moment for her to remember that Starling City wasn’t her home any more.

 

“Passengers on flight 3179 to Starling City, please begin making your way to the entry doors. For your convenience, please have your passports ready.”

 

Felicity took a deep breath before grabbing her carry-on and walking over to the line. She held out her passport when she came up to the counter, then boarded the plane. She hated flying, and she dreaded setting foot back in the same city as the man she’d left behind.

 

Today was gonna suck.

 

 

 

When Oliver finally got back to the foundry, it was a relief to find that there wasn’t anything to do.

“Go home.” Diggle advised. “You’ll work yourself into a coma if you keep going at this rate. Roy and I can stay here and keep an eye on the scanners for the night.”

“Thanks, Diggle.” Oliver said with an appreciative smile. He turned to leave, when he heard Roy’s hushed whisper.

“Aren’t you going to tell him?”

He turned around, slowly. “Tell me what?” Dig glanced away, letting out a huff of frustration.

“It wasn’t anything you needed to know.” He said, shooting Roy a look. The younger boy flushed and ducked his head.   

“Tell me.” Oliver couldn’t imagine what was bringing up all of this, but all the secrecy was putting him on edge. Diggle took a breath.

“It’s Felicity. She’s coming back to Starling.”

 

And just like that, his world was turned upside down.

 

“Felicity?” His words came out confused, breathless. This had to be a mistake.

 

“She’s back in town for a business meeting. Her name came up on a flight plan for tonight - looks like she’s only staying for a couple of days, though.”

 

Oliver tried to steady out his breathing. A business meeting. Of course. How _stupid_ was he to think that she’d come back for him? She’d been unwavering in her decision - never calling, never letting him know that she was alive, she was okay. Of course she wouldn’t change her mind now.

 

“You alright, Oliver?” Diggle sounded concerned - and Oliver couldn’t blame him. It seemed like everything was spinning - everything he’d based his world off of since his best friend, his _partner_ had walked out of his life.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

Never had he told a bigger lie.

 

 

 

Felicity stepped through the doors to the hotel where she was staying, still overwhelmed by the change. She’d purposely picked a hotel that was across the city from the glades, and from her mother’s old house. And, of course, from Oliver.

 

It still hurt to think his name, even after the years. She’d managed to keep her memories of him locked away, sealed deep inside of her. She never spoke of him, never said his name aloud. Tried to forget everything about this god-forsaken city.

 

But of course it hadn’t worked.

 

She caught herself thinking of him at the most random moments - she would be walking by the dog park and remember Oliver telling her about the puppy he’d had as a kid before it ran out into the street and got hit by a car, or she’d be stopping for a burger and the memory of sitting with him in Big Belly Burger, listening as he rambled on about his life, would hit her so strongly she’d have to sit down just to get rid of the tightening in her chest. And, of course, every time news about the Arrow came onto her screen, a small part of her tensed up in anticipation of bad news - that Starling City’s beloved Vigilante had encountered a foe too big for even him to take on alone.

 

She didn’t think she could bear it if she heard it like that.

 

And some nights, when she was sitting alone in her apartment, or when she’d had one too many drinks out at a bar and the night was looking scary and unfamiliar, she’d go to call him up, to explain fully what happened, to tell him she still needed him.

 

And then she’d remember, and the phone would slip from her fingers.

 

Felicity cleared her head. Now was not a time for reminiscing, even though every time she turned a corner she was reminded of how much she’d once loved this city. Now was the time to unpack, and then sleep, and then head back to San Diego as soon as she possibly could.

 

She headed up the stairs.

  
  
  


The next day was even worse than the full day of flights. The meeting was a huge blowup, and the investors turned her down with a solid ‘no.’ And now she had to go tell her boss how it had went....Felicity sat down on a bench across from a cute little park with a duck pond sitting off to the side of. She pulled out her phone and let out a huff of air. _Well, here goes nothing._ She thought grimly to herself, dialing her boss’s number.

 

“Hello, you’ve reached the office of Clary Deutscher, may I take a message?”

“Hey Jenna.” Felicity said glumly. “Can I talk to Clary, please?”

“Meeting didn’t go well?” The secretary asked sympathetically. Felicity sighed.

“You have no idea.”

“Well, good luck.” Jenna said reassuringly.

“Thanks.” Felicity mumbled, as the click of her call being transferred sounded in her ear. She took a deep breath. You know, maybe Miss Deutscher would be in a good mood today. Also, maybe hell froze over. She reached a hand up to cover her face. This was going to be a nightmare.

 

“Miss Smoak.”

“Hi - I mean, hello, Miss Deutscher.” Felicity instantly straightened her posture and dropped her hand from her forehead. _God_ , this was a bad sign.

“I trust the meeting was profitable?”

“See, about that - I did all that I could, I assure you. They just weren’t interested in going out on a limb for a new IT business -” Felicity stopped herself before she could go into babble mode. There was an icy silence.

“So what you’re saying is that you didn’t get _any_ sort of deal made with them.”

“...No.”

There was an exhasperated sigh on the other end of the line, then the voice came back, crisper and harsher than before. “Listen to me and listen to me closely, Felicity Smoak. I will give you one chance to save your job here.” Felicity let out a relieved sigh.

“Anything.” She insisted.

“You’re going to go to Queen’s Consolidated, and you’re going to ask their CEO to join up with us.”

Felicity’s heart skipped a beat. “Um, I think - well, that might not be the best course of action -”

“Why not?” Miss Deutscher’s voice was dismissive. “You used to work IT for them, right? Word is you were the best on their staff. Coming from you, it just might work. Now, call me back by the end of this week with good news or your fired, understand?”

“Yes ma’am.” Felicity mumbled, before flipping the phone shut. She groaned, and buried her face in her hands.

  
Screw yesterday. This was going to suck.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter's so short! I'm off for the weekend and I figured I'd give you guys something, but I'll be sure to update when I get back :)

Oliver was sitting at his desk in preparation for a meeting with some IT company - he didn’t know which, it had all been last-minute and his secretary had told him he’d be briefed in the meeting. Fine. It would just be nice to _know_ this stuff every once in a while. The door creaked open, and he stood to welcome....

 

Felicity.

 

His heart stopped beating for a moment, and he had to lean a hand forward on the table to support himself.

 

She looked different, now - but yet so much the same. She was wearing slacks, instead of a skirt, and Oliver noticed instantly the lack of color that used to surround her. But even with all that, she was still his Felicity.

 

No, not _his_ Felicity. She’d made that abundantly clear when she’d left.

 

“Mr. Queen.” Felicity said, after a long silence, and the words hit Oliver like a blow to the chest.

“Felicity -” He stepped towards her, but she shrank back. His hands froze, and a wave of shock and pain rushed over him before he brought his hand back down, and composed himself.

“Mr. Queen.” Felicity continued, her voice shaking just the tiniest bit. “I’m sorry that this meeting had to happen so last-minute.” Oliver sat down in one of the chairs, and Felicity seated herself across the table from him. It _hurt_ , physically hurt, to have her this close and not be able to touch her, to stroke her hair, to breathe her in. But he held himself together while Felicity talked stock prices and opportunities and branching out.

 

And then the meeting was over.

 

“I’ll have to talk it over with my associates.” Oliver said, cringing as the words came out of his mouth much cooler than he’d intended.

“Of course.” She turned to leave - and something inside Oliver broke.

“Felicity, wait.” He strode up behind her, touched her arm ever so lightly to turn her around. She wouldn’t meet his eyes.

“Oliver, I can’t.” Her voice broke, and she ducked her head. “I - I can’t be around you and not be _with_ you, okay?”

“Then just tell me what happened.” Oliver begged, knowing that this would just rip the wound open again, but not caring as long as she was here.

Felicity took a deep breath. “The man, who - who killed my mother...he said that it was because of you.”

Oliver dropped her arm like it was burning. The words were like a blow to the gut, and it was all he could do not to reach for support again.

“I don’t blame you for that, I don’t want to blame you for that -” Felicity paused just as her voice was ready to break, taking a deep breath in. “But every time I look at you -”

“We can find him.” Oliver spoke up decisively. Felicity’s expression turned blank.

“Oliver, you have no way of finding out who he was -”

“Yes, I do.” Oliver said firmly. “He was - he was on the island with me. I’ll explain it all later, I promise.”

“Oliver -”

“Just give me a chance.” He hated how she kept saying his name like that, like it was a goodbye.

“I left for a reason, Oliver. I can’t go opening up old scars now.”

“ _You_ can’t go opening up old scars?” And then he was angry and he knew he shouldn’t lash out at her but all this hurt was pouring out of him and he couldn’t stop. “You left for two years, Felicity. No phone calls, no notes, no ‘hey, I’m alive’. If anything had happened to you -”

“You think you’re the only one that’s been worried sick?” Felicity’s calm shattered. “Every time I turned on the news it was _praying_ that the Vigilante wouldn’t have turned up in a morgue somewhere, or that his identity was discovered, or that billionaire Oliver Queen had been kidnapped. It was _killing_ me, can’t you see that?”

“Then why did you leave?” Oliver was shouting, now, and he hated himself for it - and apparently they’d caused a bit of a commotion, because his secretary poked her head in.

“Mr. Queen?” She looked nervous. “Is - everything all right in here?”

Oliver took a deep breath.

“Yes.” He said, once he could speak through the lump in his throat. “Everything’s fine. I’ll have someone call you when I’ve spoken to my associates.” He said to Felicity, before turning and leaving the room - and her - behind.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long wait! I've had a ridiculous amount of school and work, and it's just hitting performance time for both of my dramas, so I've been swamped. Here's another (fairly short, I apologize) chapter - but the next one will be really good! I'm having a ton of fun writing the next Olicity scene....so stay tuned!

When Felicity got back to her hotel room that night, she locked the room and cried.

 

She was _so goddamn tired_ of crying.

 

Ever since her mother had - her mother died (she still couldn’t think that word, _murder_ , that awful, ugly thing) she’d been shaky, fragile. She’d cried so often in those first few weeks, but never around anyone else - she would force a smile before she locked herself in a broom closet or stepped out into an alleyway just so she could let it out. And she’d been so desperately alone - but instead of opening up, telling the people who could’ve become close friends, she’d shut herself in. Hopelessly, desperately, violently in. And then it was too hard to talk about anything because her friends liked her the happy, bubbly person she seemed to be, and so when she was around them she was that person, but when she was alone the cracks grew slowly bigger, and deeper. Sometimes it felt like she could never be fixed, and why the hell did she even bother trying.

 

And now - seeing him. Oliver. She wanted to think his name over and over again, until it sounded like a melody in her head. Until the hurt disappeared and she was safe, with him.

 

But it was much too late for that now.

 

He hated her now, in a way - Felicity knew he did. You couldn’t just _leave_ someone for two years, and expect them to welcome you back with open arms. The way he’d raised his voice, and the open hurt in his eyes - that, Felicity thought, was the most painful thing of all. To think she’d caused it, that little tear in his fabric of reality.

 

They’d hurt each other so much. And Felicity couldn’t believe that what they’d had had caused this much pain, and heartbreak, and twisted agony. And had left so many scars.

 

But she had to see him again, because her boss asked her to, because even though she hated her job she was too fucking pathetic to just quit, to say _this is_ my _life that you’re ruining_ , and because that would mean giving up the stability she had now. And she _hated_ doing this to him, doing this to both of them instead of just moving on, but this was how it was.

 

She climbed into bed with her arms wrapped around her stomach like they were the only thing stopping her from breaking apart.

  
  
  
  


 

When Oliver told Diggle about his idea, he thought he’d be happy. He’d expected a few words of warning, a cautionary look. But nothing like this.

 

“Oliver, what the _hell_ are you thinking?”

Oliver blinked. “I don’t - what?”

“Bringing Felicity back into your life like this? Digging up all those old feelings?” Diggle sounded really, truly angry, like Oliver hadn’t seen in what felt like forever. “It’s going to cause both of you a world of pain.”

“Not if we find Slade.” Oliver’s voice rose excitedly. “If we find him -”

“If, Oliver, _if_! Don’t forget how we searched for him for five months after Felicity left. We exhausted every angle, used every resource in our power. He vanished. What’s to say that we’ll have any other luck this time?”

“Because we have Felicity.” Oliver was adamant. “She can find things no one else can, dig up trails we couldn’t even think of. She _will_ help us find him, Diggle.”

The man pursed his lips, but withheld further comments.

“She will.”

 

 

A thought came to Oliver’s mind later, that maybe he was trying to convince himself as much as Diggle.


	5. Chapter 5

Felicity woke to the sound of Cake’s “Short Skirt Long Jacket”, the song that she’d put on her phone just for fun and then enjoyed too much to take it off. She blearily flipped it open, bring it to her ear as she pulled herself up.

“Hello?” She all but groaned into the phone.

“Miss Smoak, I’m calling on behalf of Queen’s Consolidated.” Felicity immediately bolted upright, swinging her feet over the edge of the bed.

“Okay.” She wouldn’t let herself babble, not over the phone to some secretary who’d talk to her like an embarassing little kid.

“Mr. Queen would like to set up a meeting with you today, at 4 pm. Does that time work for you?”

“Yes, that’s great.” Felicity was both relieved and terrified. “I’ll be there.”

 

She hung up the phone not sure whether she should laugh or cry. Instead, she changed into a new set of clothes and grabbed her purse.

 

Now was not a time for wallowing. Now was the time for shopping.

  
  


 

 

Oliver was nervous.

 

No, scratch that, Oliver was _terrified. What if she says no? What if I mess up and say something awful and she walks out and I never see her again?_

 

What if, what if, what if.

 

“Just be yourself. The chick already digs you.” Was Roy’s unhelpful advice. So he’d just gone with his best suit, and his hair neatly combed. He fiddled with the edges of the jacket, not even remembering the last time he’d been this jumpy.

“You look fine.” Diggle sounded exhasperated as Oliver turned to look at him. “The more important question is, have you decided how you’re going to ask Felicity to help with the search?”

“I’ll come up with something.” Oliver said, trying not to show how uncertain he was about the whole thing. “Have we had any leads recently on Slade?”

“No. Nothing we haven’t seen already.”

“Alright.” Oliver checked his watch. Time to head out.

“Good luck.” Diggle said, and finally Oliver saw a hint of a smile creep onto his face.

“Thank you, Diggle.” He said, before rushing off to his car.

  
  


 

When Felicity reached QC, she tried to forget how well she knew the place. Tried to ignore the new add-ons she didn’t recognize, avoid walking around to say hi to the people she used to work with.

“Liss! Oh my god, it _is_ you!” Felicity turned around at the yell, and was barreled into immediately by a flying ball of colors.

“Emmie?” She gasped, not able to extricate herself from the hug. “I _missed_ you!”

Her friend finally let go so they could talk. “How’s the new job? How’s life? Are you dating anyone? Why are you back in town? Are you taking your job back?”

“Hey, slow down!” But now she was laughing, and a tiny bit of that drowning feeling was gone. “Life is fine, work sucks, I’m back in town to pitch an idea to Mr. Queen, and currently I’m single. But how about you? How’ve you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been amazing.” Emmie gushed, and she looked it. “James and I got married five months ago -”

“No!” Felicity gasped. “You finally got him to commit?”

“I had to all but drag it out of him.” Emmie winked. “But he did well on the ring, and he let me plan all the wedding, so I suppose I’ll keep him.” Her smile grew wider. “And also....I’m three months pregnant!!”

“What?” Felicity’s head was reeling - she hadn’t expected this much change on only her second day back in Starling. “Emmie, that’s _amazing_! Boy or girl?”

“James wanted to leave it a surprise.” Emmie rolled her eyes. “But it’s going to be a boy, I know it.”

“You and your psychic abilities, huh?” Felicity said wryly, then glanced at her watch. “Oh - shoot. I’m going to be late for my meeting.”

“Alright, but we’re getting coffee later.” Emmie said firmly. “You’re not allowed to run off to San Diego again without a full, in-depth analysis of your life, got it?”

“Got it.” Felicity said as she reached in to give Emmie a quick hug. “I’ll call you later!”

 

And then she was left alone in an empty elevator with a twisting stomach and a growing sense of homesickness.

  
  


When she walked into the office and saw him again, all she could think was _this is a mistake._

 

She was tearing open a little just by standing in the doorway. And when he stood to greet her, a formal “Please, sit down Miss Smoak,” she had to dig her fingernails into her palms to stop them from shaking.

 

“I’ve thought over your offer.” Oliver said, and his voice was so stiff and formal it almost broke her. “And with your company’s track record it seems that we could both profit from an arrangement.”

“Oh, that’s great.” The words slipped from Felicity’s lips before she realized that they might not be the best ones. “I mean -”

“There was something else I wanted to say.” Oliver said, and Felicity drew in a breath. “It has nothing to do with the company, or my agreement. But I want you to come back on the team.”

The words struck her like a blow to the gut. “Oliver -”

“Not permanently.” He was begging now, as much as he ever could. “Not forever. Just help us find Slade, and then - then maybe you can rethink a few things. _Please._ ”

Felicity pushed back her chair and stood up, keeping her eyes directly on the floor. “Thank you for having me, Mr. Queen. I’ll have my boss call your office with more details.”

“Felicity -”

“Oliver, I _really_ need to go.” And then she was rushing out of the office, wiping away the tears with the back of her wrist and keeping her head ducked down so no one would notice.

  
  
  


Oliver leaned back in his chair with a sigh, his hand coming up to cover his face. He’d blown it. _Again_. And this time, he didn’t know if there would be another chance. Felicity would be on the next flight back to San Diego, and next time it would be a different representative who came to meet with him about the company.

 

He shouldn’t have pushed her - why did he _always_ try and force her? It had worked with people his entire life, but it had never once worked with Felicity. Baby steps, she’d once told him. She’d been drunk and he’d been tired and he’d wanted to kiss her but hadn’t. _I need to take baby steps every once in a while._

 

And then it was all there, every memory like a montage burrowing inside him. Felicity, the first time he’d met her. Finding out who he was. Being kidnapped by the Count. Standing by him even after she saw him with Laurel, and Isabel, and Helena, and Sara.

 

_“I - I don’t know what I feel, Oliver.” The phone was pressed to his ear, and he was hopping onto his bike already. “I don’t think I feel anything.”_

_“Felicity, I’m coming to get you.”_

_“But you’ll have to find me first.” Giggles, hysterical and tipsy and everything Felicity wasn’t._

_“I’ll be there in two minutes, okay Felicity? Just stay right where you are.”_

_He’d found her in the park she’d met him in once before, sitting on the curb with her hair undone and her eyes weary._

_“Hey.” He hopped off his bike and settled himself down on the grass beside her. “How do you feel?”_

_“I don’t.” Felicity giggled. “I don’t - feel - anything. It’s kind of the best part, really.” She giggled again, but then her shoulders were shaking and she was crying without the tears. “I don’t want to feel, Oliver.”_

_And she was leaning up against him, burrowing her face into his leather jacket as her hands shook._

_“Hey, Felicity, it’s going to be okay.” He stroked her hair, crooned into her ear._

_“No, it isn’t.” Her voice was muffled, and she lifted her head up. “My mom’s dead and sometimes - sometimes I wish I could just shut it all off. Make everything just_ stop. _But - I - can’t.”_

_She leaned her head on his shoulder once her breathing had calmed, and they sat there, on the curb underneath the streetlight for a long while._

_“I’m so tired, Oliver. I’m so tired of breaking.”_

  
He was sometimes, too. But he stood up and walked out of the building and kept the Oliver Queen smile on his face until the cab drove away from his apartment, leaving him with dust on his suit and the smell of her perfume on his hands.   



End file.
